Happy Eve of Eve

I spoke to my grandma today and it was great. It was nice to see her again. The funny thing is, when you wait so long to see another person again, you're generally speechless for oh, the next hour or so. It happened with my mom and dad, and it definitely happened with her. 

To think of it, even my aunty lily takes a step back when we happen to be online at the same time. 

I should start something up with 24-hour conferencing. Perhaps I should just install a Gwen-cam linked up permanently to a website, broadcasting  7 days a week. 

But then, where is the suspense :) For example, me being here was just another random chance and it is entertaining to see proof that there was no plan. I didn't think I'd be here for so long. I didn't plan to fall in love. 

But I did and here I am. Happy, content, and some say, well-fed. 

Happy eve of eve, may several meals of turkey, bacon and ribs be bestowed upon thee. 

Here is a song that sums up my whole year.

Pulp - Something Changed 

Weakerthans

Here is a good ol canadian band called the Weakerthans. 

I present to you, Civil Twilight. I'd write more but I am cooking something on the stove. 

Libertines

I am alone in the gallery today because its a 'shitstorm of a snowdown' here in Toronto. 

So, what else is there besides build new websites and listen to fantastic music nosh. 

I bring you, The Libertines : Can't stand me now 

Artsy Fartsy

Since I can't work formally as an accountant until oh, next year... I have started curating at the Lens Factory, a photography gallery along West Queen West. It's my little outlet before I head back into finance, and for the time being, I am hosting shows, schmoozing and helping to build a bit of business.

Its nice. Free beer, and the poshness of it all. Oh look at me, all bohemian.

At the same time, I've just written the opening for January's show, Free Them of Choice. Its supposed to be about mass consumerism, but I've tweaked it. I'll post the link here when its out.

Here is my take on it.

The free market in chaos. Economic theory debunked. Self-regulation a myth.
What defines a generation is what it buys.
Ideas, religion, debt and fear are all products in this age of commodity and excess.

I might add, I am not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean, but anything concerning money is always relevant in my books.

The BEST BAND OF 2008

I have found the most mind-blowing, devastatingly good band. Until now, 2008 was a bit of a lackluster year of music for me. Nothing new, nothing revolutionary.

Sure, there are guys like Sigur Ros to cheer you up with their invented language of gobbledegook, a mixture of Slavic and Icelandic influences. There is also Amy Winehouse, who brazenly steals from old school jazz and takes too much pleasure. I've gone back to old school indie, retro and 90s this year as well. 2008 was supposed to be Hotchip, who I saw in April here in Toronto.

DeVotchka ... just listen, ok?
This song is called How It Ends.



Tell me how it ends for you. I think its different for everyone.

Food Cravings a la Singapore

I've had another one of my heaven buffet dreams. I have to admit I actually sleep in a couple of hours longer when I have one of these, because the craving is so big that I can actually taste the food.

This one was a cross between a really good Cantonese restaurant at Raffles place, mama's cooking and a recent smorgasbord at the Fallsview casino at Niagara. No one does a buffet like the Americans do for scale, but oh how I miss the good stuff.

I started out with some deep fried szechuan shrimp, grandma's popiah/ spring rolls and curry puffs, nana's potato crumpets, century egg congee [I can't find it in Toronto to save my life], gai lok [dim sum chicken feet], shanghai dumplings and crispy noodles with seafood [forgot the name of that one].

And that was just the first go. Second/third/fourth/fifth/sixth go was chicken briyani, murtabak, chwee kweh, chomp chomp hokkien mee, chili, black bean and tomato crab [yes all three], mee rebus, laksa, bak kut teh, crispy deep fried mini squid, deep fried taro/tapioca bowl with beef, chicken wings, sambal fish, more dim sum, chicken curry, chap chai, tom yam [a small reminder of bangkok, so bangkok tom yam.... which is nowhere near what you get in either singapore or toronto or anywhere else. You HAVE to go to Bangkok] , deep fried garlic chili coated tilapia, goreng pisang, prata, chicken rice.....shrimp, lots and lots of shrimp and lobster and crab and crayfish and more fish and deep fried fish with soy and ginger and more murtabak and curry and hor fun.........

And then I wake up and wonder what made me leave.

Niagara Honeymoon

We had a great time in Niagara. We just got back yesterday and I am still wrestling with the remnants of soggy socks and stinky knicks, which means it all went well.

We had a huge bedroom with a heart-shaped jacuzzi, so we spent most of our time steaming up the bathroom and hunting down the best breakfast buffet. We spent lots of time doing nothing, which is an art. That, and looking at a fantastic view.

I would say more about Niagara, but the place is only good for one day, unless you're with someone special.

So, pictures !

His and Hers

We had a wonderful wedding. The flowers were on time, dry cleaner was early, jeweler gave a good deal, photographer knew what she was doing, restaurateur opened up his place for us in the day. Even the weather cooperated.

And of course we were in love.

These were Matt's vows to me :

The traveller - wandering, searching.
True love found.
Hope, dedication - a smile, a tear.
Holding you closely, accepting you as you accepted me.
I couldn't have dreamed that I could love as much as I do now.
I don't want to be the perfect husband; I want to be perfect for you.
I only want to receive your love, your admiration.
You have given me such a gift, renewing my faith in life.
Redefining what it means to love.

My love is undying, my promises only truth, strength and forgiveness.
I dedicate all I know about life, about consequence, about caring and sharing.
I dedicate myself to you Gwen, my heart, my love.
I know your wanderlust will soon subside, with me, true love, by your side.

And mine to him :

I have found my home and my love in you.
I feel in love with you on the most beautiful day of my life. The sun set over water that shimmered, and we were between an endless sky and a boundless lake.

Now, every time I see a sunset, I think of you.
Whenever you are away from me, I cherish your return.
For our life together, I love you.
You are my all.

My traveling has come to an end.

What is so beautiful about it all is that we did not corroborate on this... it just goes to show we've got our minds set on the same things.

Have my Cake

I am going cake shopping today, and the webcam is in !

I might be undertaking the making of my own cake, just as a nod to my mum because I do know a thing or two about cakes.... if i DO, a picture is in order.

Wedding musings

I have been organizing the wedding preparations, and contrary to what movies tell you , no, its not that hard. Initially, I did get a bit weepy because no one is actually around for me to ask , 'Do I look fat in this' , get my bouquet or book the restaurant, but its all just fabricated pressure. Incredible pressure to have a 'perfect wedding', no expense spared.

I know its supposed to be the most special day of your life.... but I don't think its worth it exchanging material harmony for emotional bliss; Why should I be upset on my wedding day if my dress isn't Vera Wang ? Its is confusing when everything else tells you to want glamor, when love is simple .

I am content, wings or caviar, when I am with Matt. Amongst all the oversized bouquets and dresses, fancy restaurants and limos, I keep coming back to the fact that all those things just distract everyone from the emotional union of him and me.

In the end , the most important thing is the question itself.

Of course, this doesn't mean I want a small party when I get back to Singapore. :) The more food the better.

xx
g

The View

Here is finally a picture of the view from our apartment. A few days ago I met a nice biddy who has lived here 37 years, and I can see why. We're in a wonderful neighborhood, surrounded by schools and bordering High Park.

I also want to mention I met Gerrard Kennedy. He looks like a nice bloke in person. He is the favorite Liberal candidate, maybe the prime minister if the conservatives get booed out. GK was campaigning on Monday [Thanksgiving] and we had just got home from Roncesvalles, the Polish town which we live near to, when he came knocking on the campaign trail. I would have invited him for some sausage rolls, but I save them for my mornings with coffee.

The View

Plugging In

Its been a week since we've moved into the new apartment, and the paint, fixtures, frames and furniture have finally been settled. The last room we haven't touched much is the bedroom. We can't figure out what direction it should take, since we do have some nice furniture and a tonne of decorating options.

The 42" tv has brought us both pleasure..... coming in the form of browsing the internet and endless BBC reruns. A mark of settling in , I consider, is also me finally charging up what I call The Beast [my camera]. For all its cost and hardy structure, it dies when exposed to dust and fumes.

The big news of the day ?

We're getting a kitty ! We showed up yesterday at the shelter but it was closed due to filming and I was right po-ed, but the day has come and I cannot wait to go over to find our new addition. I have wanted a pet for years, years!

In our bag, I am fully equipped with a soft towel, old socks and toys and in 30 minutes or so I will be fiddling with many kitties. I have one in mind, and I fully intend to strap a harness on my kitty, and take it for walks. I am well skeptical that it will actually happen, but the label says its possible so I will try it out.

Wish me luck. Another thing I am going to try out is giving it a bath.

Backfire at the disco

Courtesy of the Wombats :)

Runaway Train

Its been a long, long month. I am sick and tired of this financial crisis, my generation has seen four big ones already. 1998, World trade, Euro crisis and now the collapse of HBOS, Lehman and Merril Lynch. Banking, bah. Its a lost cause , and you're only at the top for a short breath before you tumble down with the rest of them. I am of course, bored of writing, talking, debating and following the subject.

Of course I have some financial operations still running , but I am glad that I am in this photojournalist gig. At least narcissists still exist and news still has to be made. People love being yesterday's news.

I'm moving into a new apartment with Matt in October. Its a beautiful place, spanking new bathroom, with a westerly view of the lake, just on the waterfront. I am hoping to say goodbye to the zipper blues for good. Its not fun being homeless, even if you're living in a chi-chi hotel, of which I have done for quite some time now.

This is me again trying to settle, and it feels a bit hackneyed because I though I'd be settling last year, with a normal job and groceries on Saturday. But who knows, perhaps this time it'll work out. I don't bloody know, and usually I know everything.

What is certain though.... when you've been roaming for years, you realize there is no point looking at the world's most beautiful sunset when you're alone.

Ok lah, I am very happy. Just look at me ! On top of Empire State building.



Pic of Matt in NYC

Raising a stink

Hi guys,

Sorry I have not been able to comment much, but the life of a reporter is quite hair-raising and ....well..... secretive. I have to go under the radar a bit and I am open to suggestions on how to best keep all of you kaypoh people back home happy with news :)

I have some fantastic pictures of NYC... and I have a couple of pictures unrelated to NYC being published soon in the press. I am quite happy. Right now, I am working on a big story, so talk is small.

xxxxxxxxxxx
g

Making news .....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY !

Why , you ask ?

Yours truly is finally employed as a reporter. Or to be more exact, a photojournalist. I have been working on this for some time now but I thought not to put all them eggs in one basket. Its taken a bit of wrangling, flirting, bullying and all out audacity to get what I want, but its concrete, in black and white, and I start on the 13th at some event.

So it might be fashion, it might be corporate, and it could be just me taking random photos for getty . But I have an apprenticeship with a LARGE french newspaper and a foot into fashion photography as well.

This is gibberish ; I am excited. My thoughts will be collected soon. I am well aware this is against all my financial work experience, but no one said anything about me doing both at once.

Pictures from my pro Nikon soon.

Mad Hatter

Yes, this is exactly how I am feeling right now .

I just got off the phone with a yelling client and it's just another long day . Its frustrating when its not your fault. And its never my fault.

Funnily enough , I just got approached by some guy in the lift with an M&A company. This building is a hotel, a luxury condo and office suites.... interesting who you meet here. He didn't seem overly friendly, just conversational [a lot of people in Toronto do that, the bigger the city the more the lonesomeness] . Either way I shall capitalise on it and give his firm a call tomorrow.

More works in the news :
I have just partially funded an artist studio based in NYC and am slowly heading my way into small cap investments, niche media being my niche :) Hopefully, it leads to developing an indie media house, which would be cool. Right now all I am getting for this referral and investment on a personal level , is photography classes and a way back into the media industry.

Media and finance don't usually mix unless you're Richard Branson , but I am damn well trying .

xx
g

PS : Pic of me living it up in Toronto.

Still heartbroken....

Yes, I am still lonesome sometimes but I am fine as long as I don't listen to Winehouse.

New news now.... I met the nicest man on earth and his name is Matt. He makes me breakfast in bed, asks me constantly if I want anything, and buys me coffee from the starbucks downstairs with an occasional bouquet.

Last thursday, I got a beautiful sapphire ring from him.

He's a keeper I think.

Long Weekend

Yes, I am still kicking.

Business has been good this last month. I'm taking on a small team of graduates and expanding my books. The crazy market is driving up the demand for financial services such as offered, so yay for me.

Its a long weekend coming, and I intend to take it. I am either going to calgary, nyc, san fran or chicago, depending on which flight is cheapest.


xx
g

Grandma in Vegas

I just remembered how I got that stuffed toy horse. You know, Dinky. I remember she won it in a Las Vegas street stall , possibly just a few days before we flew home to singapore from staying in the states for a year. I had HER on my lap next to my old monkey on the flight home.

[The sex of Dinky has been disputed for many years. Its a SHE.]

Crazy Happening

Sorry its taken so long to write.

I was thinking a lot about some things , mostly just memories I enjoy when I look back into 'childhood' [like as if I grow up] .

Memory 1
Jonathan and Gwen . Sometime when we all went to some golf resort in Malaysia with Aunt Su and Andy, and all the wee ones. I nearly crashed a golf cart into a tree.

Setting : Pool, J and I are sitting on deck chairs watching an 'ang moh' couple kiss. They are getting really touchy feely and J and I are laughing like kids do. We both have not reached puberty yet, or maybe it was the spectacle of so much hair. The man was hairy too of course. Anyway ....

J: Oh shark [crap] ! They're getting up!
G: Oh crap ! They are going to walk towards us.
J: Quick, say something funny ! [We haven't stopped laughing yet actually.]
G: Erm, eh......
J: Quiiick , quick.
G: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwhydidthechickencrosstheroad.
J: ********** [He does the LOL. Laugh out loud.]

THE END

xx
g

Moving Mountains

When you can't go to the mountain, make the mountain come to you.

Applied in another way, I bought a ticket for Rick to see me here in Toronto, coming from London. Yes, the man should pay etc etc. But its been 4 days of fun. I considered it my birthday present to me and to him really, since his is on the 2nd of this month. Its by far one of the best I got for myself because I distinctly remember my last 2 birthdays to be very lonely affairs. This time, I had relatives the week before and a partner in crime for the weekend.

I am documenting these last 4 days, because I will forget all the nice details after awhile.

I took him to see
- Comedy about condo living in the Laugh Resort
- Niagara on a helicopter
- Boating on lake ontario

I also brought him to my favorite audio shop on queen west and urban patio for a good steak. We hit kensington market for vintage, ate along the boardwalk at the harbor, swigged screwdrivers in Pravda and lastly blasted the queue at the drake hotel. Its basically all the things I wanted to do but couldn't because I am alone here. I loved sharing the big city with him.

This sunday morning we watched a live broadcast of the Manchester United game in some hole in the wall called the Gloucester Pub. The day only gets better when your team wins. We finished off at the Bier Markt, and I sent him off in a lincoln back to the airport.

I honestly have to say , I miss him already.
So this is him.

Going to Base Camp!

Hi all,

As you know, I am routinely nuts. So, as a birthday present to myself, I have gotten a ticket to Katmandu, and a passageway to Mt Everest base camp. I will be there in October.

Its probably one of the most heard-about adventure ideas, but I want to take a look at Everest before I actually decide to climb it. 23 is a ripe old age to go exploring.

xx
g

Ascending

I have finally got a good nights sleep. I am right now in vancouver with folks and have been shopping with my cousin for the last couple of days. Its been awesome.

Pics are on the way. I just discovered that all my pictures from Zurich have been wiped out by my SD card f**king up. I am pretty po-ed .... but hey, I might as well go back and do it all over again. Poor me.

Breaking news as well. I figured I couldn't sleep because I have suddenly lost all meaning in life. I have had insomnia for 3 months now. I think it was a mini mid-life crisis. I have now decided that I want to climb Everest. I am also quite disgusted that there is some sort of singaporean girl team that wants to do the same in 2009, but hopefully they won't get funding.

HAH. I am definitely biased but at least I can afford my trip. Cop outs. Sponsorship is the easy way out. Think about it. If Gilette sponsored a trip which failed, it would be bad PR. Securing a brand sponsorship is just as good as getting a michelin restaurant to make a sloppy joe.

Fine. I am jealous . I am effing peeved. I thought of the idea and was musing about it when manda told me there was a team in attempt. It broke my heart and then got my scheming how I could somehow undermine their expedition. For right now though, I hope they fall over their blahniks and DIE. The only comfort I have is that they'll be climbing with each other, and personally, I'd hate to climb with other women. Imagine a b**ch fest, but really cold.

Either way, I want to head to Everest. I don't sound the most noble right now, but I need something to look forward to. I have emailed an expedition house for a trip to Everest base camp this October.

For the GIRLS who are THINKING of climbing Everest next year..... Watch your backs.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Dry Your Eyes

By The Streets, from good ol Birmingham.

Developed world guilt trip.

Its in the middle of the night, on a friday night, and I can't stand it.

I have to confess. I am eating rice from delivery, and I am not going to finish it all.

I feel really bad, because I keep updated on news, and the developing world is currently in a food shortage crisis. Farmers can't even hoard enough of their stock in Indonesia to feed their family for a season, and face a lifetime imprisonment if they do. In India, people who already spend 80% of their income on food have to yank their kids out of school and turn to the black market to survive. In China, its the worst. They're eating Mcburgers because its cheaper.

I actually feel directly responsible for all of this mess. Buyers from the developed world force prices down, we produce staples to turn into fuel and not food,
and people like me toss it because I am afraid I will get fat. If the country I am in has a shortage, we simply pay a bit more because our currency allows us to, without much pain. My ancestral forefathers would scream.

AND anyway, plans are underway to visit Auntie Gracie when Amanda drops by.

xx
g

The Geek and the Leek

I have spent some time doing nothing today, which was fantastic. I love the building I am in, because I gatecrashed some party last night through the resident's entrance and was watching the Scrabble Canada Championships over brunch this afternoon.

I am desperately trying to get to bed but I am hit with insomnia again. Its getting later and later now and I am personally worrying for my health and sanity. I have already been called a hypochondriac once over, but I know the drugs don't work. St Johns Wort I mean. I am also getting paranoid for no due reason and it could be because I now have 5 people on the books. Their funds better outperform my estimates.

Being an indie financial advisor has it perks and its personal ironies. I won't go into much, but lets just say I learnt it all with a hands on approach. Thats part of my pitch. I tell clients horror stories on what could happen if you don't have cash and cashbooks are whipped out before you can say REPOSSESSED.

The uncertain financial climate has it perks. Now, to find a way to get into the NYC market, because the more panicky people are, the more likely they'll consider any capital gains rate above inflation a steal.

xx
g

Long days....

I do like Toronto. I love Toronto.

The sad thing is, somehow I just want to be back.

Back where ? No idea. Just back. Its nice being in control again, but I have lost some of my joie de vivre. I have lived the last year in a semi-marital state. Not bliss, but it was comforting to know that no matter how badly you fuck up, someone was around to talk to and snuggle with at night.

Well thats how its supposed to be anyway.

I miss having a hubby. I think I am one of those girls who can't survive without a man for very long. Its not because I am dependant... I just like the idea that someone out there wants to take care of me. Nothing wrong with that right ? I am an affectionate person, I NEED someone to shower my money and love on. I like spoiling and fussing someone in return for being a weird person for the rest of the time.

Maybe I should look in personals.

If I was 17 again and travelled forward in time, I'd hit me.

Alright, out with the blues. I am going to immerse myself in pointless single-person activities and maybe, just maybe, I'll run across a stranger and fall in love again. Its not because I want to get married and stuff, I want a partner in crime.

Ah, and today is the first day of a book I have yet to write. Or name. Or have a plot for. I will be banging out 2000 words of it daily though.

Taadaa ! It will be something like a singaporean girl who doesn't fit in, won't go home, has fun overseas and many adventures, observations of what foreigners do, annoyances in general about the singaporean nation, and she ends up somewhere.

Where, I don't know. But the plot is supposed to develop as you write.

xx
g

The Hunt Continues

Right, today is the first day of finding another perm job in the city. After what happened in the UK, I think I am pretty good at sussing out the openings and will be going for a couple of agency interviews this week.

Fingers crossed.

I have just signed up for the ACCA, which means in approx 2.5 years time, I will be well qualified to be an accountant in the UK. I have taken a look at the books online, and it doesn't look easy in the least.

Now, revenue generated comes from winging it with some smaller advisors and investors, and I am on a couple of books already. Wish me luck that I don't mess up on my first month.

xx
g

Black Hole

I went to a huge bookshop today, something like Waterstones, and bought a book about how to write books.

I know I shouldn't get another bloody book, but I have always wondered how to actually write one. I am quite excited about it , and have decided not to be too ambitious with my first book.

It will be filled with gentle bit**ings. Title :

SINGAPOREAN
Conversations Overseas

Mostly, I find that I like my country when I am far away from it. The most often known facts about singapore? Chewing gum, fines, cleanliness and our anti-drug policy. Well read folks would mention SIA and the singapore sling. People who have actually visited singapore will mention all the above.

Its not bad, at least it has an identity.

But back to the book about writing a book ! Exciting !!! I am going to give it a shot. Really. Its high time I did, and to think about it, I have tonnes to write about provided my mom never reads it. I am sure I have written an equivalent of a book if I combined this blog with the older one. I have been blogging since I was 16. Its not a work of genius, but it has been said the first draft is always terrible.

I'll Be BACH.

Guess what? I am headed to Toronto. Tomorrow. Well, in the morning.

I am through waiting for men to get off their arses here in the UK and taking back control of my life. So far, I have been waiting for 2 weeks to meet an MD to get a job I half wanted. He's been faffing around and now I find he's found a candidate, probably over easter with a friend's son.

So back to my boating, back to my condo by the lake and back to some actual control over my life. I can't believe I left.

Avoir.
G

Forgiveness ?

It could be because I am in a particulary surly mood today, but I shall state it anyway. I don't think I should be letting things get out of control anymore. Its almost an oxymoronic statement, but whenever I try to plan something it just goes to seed, turns pearshaped, f**ks up so to say. I should do what has worked before ... what I want to do when I want to do it. I need to cut myself some slack, and I shouldn't be worrying about:

1. So what if I spent the majority of the last year upset
2. So what if I am stuck wondering where the hell I should go in a week
3. So what if I am tired of all this nonsense and want to call it quits

Instead, I am going to attain a black belt nirvana by not caring about anything and seeing what turns up. I am happy if I stay in this country, I will be happy if I go home to Toronto. Natch. I wonder what san fran is like in the summertime. How about cuba ? Let us spin the globe.

I watched my mom whittle away to a shadow of herself worrying about everything. Yes, there is stuff to worry about, but ... for the first time I truly believe that it serves no purpose other than ruining a perfectly good friday night.

My dream job used to be ... jetting around the world working in whichever job that allowed me to do so. But... aren't I doing it already ? Right now I am staying with marvellous people and with their help, it'll work out here. In a week we will know if the job hits, and in a week I will be able to decide if I will be hamming it up in Toronto or partying in the west end. Epiphany ! My problem was relying on someone, when true happiness is self generated.

Oh don't bother, I am still depressed. Happy Easter. I am FINE, I am FINE.

I hate dreaming

As in lucid dreams. Last night I dreamt about being in singapore again, and it wasn't pleasant. This dream had no food in it. I was quite alone and just doing the same old, riding the nightrider 1 and feeling that alone-feeling*. In such a tiny country, packed with so many people, when you're out of place I think you get that emptiness more acutely. Yes, I hate dreaming. Sleep should be sleep and thats all it should be. Its like asking death to entertain.

I am right now in limbo again, deciding whether to stay or go home to Toronto. There is nothing in the UK now; the job market sucks , I am emotionally unstable, I am suffering from a dull pain in my chest and I have no fixed abode. I am sick of not being in control, and in one week, if I don't hear back about a new job, I am leaving. Nothing less. I have to draw a line somewhere. Its all a numbers game. Time, money, distance, opportunity cost, profit and loss.

Next plan of action confirmed : Departure to Toronto before 1st April IF nothing happens.

Now I have given it enough loopholes to just turn out right if it does, but it is a solid enough idea to follow if it doesn't.

Again, why I don't want to come home just yet : I don't like to date asian guys. I am sorry, but I just don't. I will find my blue eyed boy if it kills me. Somewhere out there, possibly in the Cayman Islands or somewhere else almost impossible to imagine.

Absolute tossers.

Right, so I turned down a job in hk\tokyo because it didn't pay enough, plus I had to find my own accom and flight tickets. Also, I am not keen on going back to Asia no matter how many people tell me its all sunshine.

Thats it though. Right now I am waiting on a financial controller position to come in, but the MD is pratting around and I am left waiting for another week for the results. All this does is piss me off. I want to go back to Toronto, on my own schedule, making my own money, being back in control of my life. The market situation in the UK currently sucks, and its no ones fault. I realise I am being a brat, but ... would you turn away the opportunity to live along your terms ?

I don't understand how its so hard for me to find an office job. I am willing to do anything at this point. I have specialist skills, excellent language facils, excellent computer skills. Imagine the feeling of aceing an interview and then being told you're too good for the position. WTF ! Or another good one : Oh you're great. Great fit, good communication, fantastic proven track record. You're too young though.

I wish there was a way to sue for someone not hiring. I need a big scotch right now.

In a pickle

Pickle is the name of the pet bird belonging to my friends I am staying with, and is the affectionate name for someone/thing that is wholly disoriented and confused. Right now I am staying with some fantastic people who are giving me a leg up on job hunting and properties, so things ought to settle here in a couple of days or by the end of the week.

Tonight, its me biding time till the morning and I shall be hearing about jobs. I shall give it a few days more, and if things don't look up, I am heading back to toronto to make a shitload of money and then flying back to SG in possibly 4 months time, just as the weather gets nasty again in ruddy ol canada.

This is another one of those tough nights where I don't know what to do with myself. Tomorrow I will be fine, and I shall be looking hot in my suit and regulation white shirt. I really must take a picture one of these days.

Who knows. I don't even know why I am staying in this country, or any country for that matter. I feel so deflated, kind of floating around without an aim. People are telling me I should go back to TO where I have guaranteed earnings, but its a been there done that thing. Of course I miss my boating, my condo, the eating out and clubbing. But I gave it all up for something more, and now going back is not enough to make me feel better.

Its a funny thing, but at the time, I thought I would be fine returning to the same old. But now my demands have impossibly shifted to something a step higher, and everyone knows I don't step back, do I ? Eventually, I will have to save the world, or spend my life trying.

The Girl Who Won't Go Home

And thats what my ex called me today.

I went back to stourbridge today to collect the rest of my stuff. Inevitably, I had to leave one small bag behind full of canadian wires and bits, but the rest of my entourage is now with me.

I am quite beat up about it. I am feeling so sad, in general. Of course I am fine, but I would not be human if I didn't hurt at all. I'd like to write D a letter, but I don't know what to say. Its just random thoughts, some good but most of them are bad. Probably best to leave it be and forget. It could be because I am not noble enough to view it in a positive light. I do admit, its not anybody's fault, and I set myself up for it to begin with. I knew it wasn't the right time, I knew it was too passionate to last, I knew we were polar opposites in philosophical mindset.

I am looking at this in wonder. There was so much loneliness, pain, anger, rejection, chaos and hate in it. I thought I would be able to deal with it, just like any past relationship, but somehow this really has left me very battered. I'd self harm if I actually had the guts to do it. Look, we are all adults, and I am honest here; I'd rather hurt physically than cry so much inside.

This calls for a song for the broken hearted, freshly wounded. Lets just pour salt into the bleeding, hemorrhaging vortex previously occupied by my heart, shall we? Hendrix : Angel

Broken Nailclipper

I just went for a couple of interviews, and though they were promising, its always a maybe answer. I hate waiting, and sometimes I just wish they would say a YES or NO. Honestly, it does me no good when they say I am a strong candidate, but I know thats really how it goes. Thanks for the compliment, but unless I can take out a pen and sign on the dotted line, its as useful to me as a broken nailclipper.

Ugh. SO now I could become a trainee financial controller for a small french firm, or work in a large car manufacturer on a new project thats supposed to be undertaken in the EU. ALL very promising, but I can't wait much longer. I don't have the heart for it.

I was also in the train yesterday moping about D. I can't say its all come to nought, but some part of me wonders what I would be doing now if I stayed in Toronto. Bad weather so far, but I will give this UK thing two weeks to pick up. If it doesn't, there is nothing to stop me going back home to my good ol condo by the water and my boat.

Milkround

Well its a milkround for jobs actually. More interviews, more offers and hopefully something good turns up.

Its really hammering it down with rain and high winds at the moment, if you see world news its a cold front moving into the south of the UK. Cheers to global warming or whichever shiznit is the reason for it.

Right now the friends I am staying with are really helping me to research a nice stellar job , but I have to say its a bit depressing because I am starting all over again from where I left off with David and Birmingham. Meh.

A good thing, an important thing to note: Everyone goes through this roundabout. I did wonder whether someone hates me out there and takes pains to torture my poor soul, but the best and greatest say the same; its how you get up.

New song for the day ..... Nickelback ! Its a controversial song, but exchange the lyrics for becoming a yuppie 40-something with a nice house, and you get my drift.

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses, driving fifteen cars
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
Today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
Drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

A spot of brilliance

I am ready to kick some ass again. Right, now I have had an intense certified course with the world's largest xx advisors. Shame for it to go to waste.

So, yes, yes, pictures soon once I get my laptop.

You know whats the funny thing? I just got offered a job from Singapore and that kind of spurred me back to believe that I can do anything. Maybe its growing pains, who knows. But for a 22 year old, having experience in ib consulting, trading, corporate finance and now offshore funds... I am unstoppable. Say what one wants, I know the only thing not going for me is my age.

Goodnight, intrepid readers.

What now my love....

So I am back in London staying with friends. I have had a good sleep, some yogurt and fruit and have evaluated my choices. Let me tell you, it ain't easy.

One good thing I brought back from Switzerland is this: I now LOVE drinking water. The tap water in zurich is superb, it tastes fantastic and is possibly the best I have ever tasted. I'd pay 50 pounds just to go back to drink it. I wouldn't pay for anything else though. Zurch is bloody expensive and I rather be paid in pounds and work in Asia, than deal with all the costs of living in Europe.

So, the option now is HK or Tokyo. Or I could go back into the ol biz in toronto.OR I could be still working here in good ol england. I know, I know, everyone misses me and I really should be thinking of heading home. But, it is true. Once an expat, always an expat. I just can't give up the excitement of being somewhere strange and new, and being the only flamingo at a swan party.

The funny thing about Zurich was also what my parents have been telling me for the last year as well : Singapore is THE place to be. High standard of living etc and every single person in the course actually wanted to be in the Singapore office [which incidentally just got closed by the firm because of regulations].

Maybe this is irrelevant, but I fall in love too easily. The first month here in the UK, I missed toronto badly. When I went to Zurich I missed London.

I know for certain wherever I go, I will miss something or someone. You always have to leave something behind.

Now What.

So, I didn´t make it. Always, always, too young. I have everything going for me except my age. Now, this is really taking the piss.

I am thinking I should just go back to toronto, make some cash, and come right back home. Its been too long since I have been home and well, lets say my ETA for Singapore might be in 5 months time. Somehow, a lot of people on the course here seem to want to go to Singapore, just because the "standard of living" is so high. Obviously it is, but I also know better and I just fit better overseas. Say what you want, but I have never really felt a part of the country. MAYBE I will get a job back home right away, but I do know that for once I won´t have to be looking over my back all the time.

I don´t want to seem down and out, but I think its tough how I have seen all of this, and then ended up not liking the job and the rates of return here. I am now going to go back to London, take a few days break, and then fly back toronto in the next week or so. I will go back to my earnings of xxk a month in TO, work for 4 months, and return a comfortable girl.

Who knows, intrepid readers, how Gwen will turn out.

Hallo Hotel

I've just checked into the hotel that the firm had booked for me, and its lovely. Its right next to the quay, and I will probaly be looking into joining a boating club here because I miss revving up and makin some waves :)

New pics soon, I promise. Zurich is great and the people are nutters, of course in a good way. They smoke everywhere, to the extent where my clothes stink after a night out, which I had forgot about after I moved to Toronto. They even have assigned smoking cubicles in public restrooms. To be fair I prefer the smoking ban.

More bits and bobs, the city is beautiful on the lakefront, but London still wins for architecture. I have already been to the Schweizeriches Landesmuseum and the Johann Jacobs Museum/kaffe museum , but I miss the bustle and .....cosmopolitan grubbiness of ol london town. I've already settled down, and once the weather turns, I will be out on the water.

Primarily, now its finding a nice apartment and hunkering down to learn deutsche. For the last two days I have been talking to loads of people in the hostel where I stayed, and so far I've met americans from Arizona, a Chilean and a South African.

To use the Canadianism; its all good.

xx
g

Wie geht es Ihnen ?

Go on, babelfish it.

Its my second day in zurich and I am regretting not buying books I was interested in when I was in London. London is MY city for books. Its good that its only 50 quid and 90 minutes away, unlike Toronto which is a good eight hours in the air.

It takes me travelling to realise whether a country has made an impact on me. Uk and the midlands certainly has, and though it was not really according to plan, I think I did ok. Certainly I am now again floating around and unsure of what to do with myself, but lets hope the job gives me some concrete reason to settle properly here in Zurich.

Today I am hanging around Limmenplatz, the shopping district of Zurich (i think) and I intend to get totally lost on the public transport system, which of course is fantastic. Above ground, its trams ... kind of like Toronto's tram system, but smoother, quieter, cleaner, PUNCTUAL and very similar to singaporean buses internally. West Midlands Train Commission, eat your heart out.

Last few thoughts on the UK.... on the last day I was staying at IBIS Exel hotel, which is next to the london flood barrier and the exel marina. It felt vey much like home in Toronto. I had a view of the big monstrosity, the millennium dome, similar to the giant lollipop of TO.

But back to it, water does calm me, and if I ever get home to SG i think I am going to be a bit of a brat and head into watersports. G saw me off at the city airport and there is nothing like being sent off. It gives one a reason to go back.

Now, all I have to figure out tonight is where to go to party.

Spricht hier jemand Englisch?

xx
g

Hallo from Zürich

Day 1 from Zürich

Hallo folks. I have finally gotten some sleep after my flight to zurich. This is a beautiful city, what more can i say? I have to admit though, in the first hour I panicked because I do not speak a word of german. My french helped but just barely made it to this travel bookstore, where I promptly bought a map and a stack of travel language cards.

I do not think I will be out clubbing tonight, had a small tea of babybel cheese, sausage and baguette washed down with some good old coffee. Very spartan yes ? I have also noticed that I have taken to franglish, ie speaking english but with french grammar and tense. People understand me better somehow.

It looks like German is the new language to learn, which is a shame because I cannot study two languages in one so Russian will have to wait.

4 Hours Later ..............

Just came back from LeCasa, this live jazz joint. Its very comforting to hear Hendrix, Steve Miller and such after a day of Lost in Translation. The standard of live jazz gigs here is amazing. Technically superior to anything I have heard so far, and I have seen my fair share of crooners and cats. Ah, also, men here are hawks! I appreciate the attention, but they don't seem to take a hint that I am not interested. Its been a couple of hours and I have had to run into shops twice just to get away.

Also, news on my current insomnia...... this time I slept plenty well at night. It could be my nostalgie for gin and tonic, but thats brilliant.

Auf Weidersehen !
g

Confirmation

News !

I will be placed in Zurich. So its now Zurich, Zurich, Zurich. No Middle East for me yet. I am very happy. Right now I am down with the sniffles but this has made my day. I am still cautious and not really confident about this move, but hey, its just a lapse. Once I am there I will be the same as always.

Now to repack and shove all my shirts in the case.

One sad thing is, I had a talk with the director he asked me why Middle East. Besides the obvious $, I had to note I wasn't keen on going back to Singapore. I miss my folks and relatives, chap chye, crab, kuay teow, curry, laksa..... damn what do you call that pack of lemongrass rice with the fried egg, ikan bilis and chicken wing...

This topic has come up a lot of late : Why don't I go home. Honestly, its because I am afraid I will never leave. Its not easy leaving. Sure, I have had a fancy life eating out in restos, going to the coolest clubs and flying wherever I want to. But it doesn't beat having a sit down dinner with the folks.

Headed off in aaaaaaaaa jet plane.

Courtesy of Amy, Amy, Amy

More bloody lists.

Alright, here is the schedule

Sunday 24th Feb
Go to merry hill, with europe's largest carpark, and buy a suitcase that will hold a tonne of stuff AND that I can carry around the world.
Head back and pack with
x1 3-piece suit
x3 Office Skirts
x8 Shirts
x2 Trousers
x2 Jeans
x5 Basques [Essential]
x5 Pairs of shoes
x1 Pajamas
x1 Slippers
x1 Ipod [AKA Baby, Precious, Heart Support System]
x1 PSP and umds
x1 Portable hard drive
x1 Laptop [Chewbacca, 19" Brick]
x3 Bags
x2 Jeans
x1 Aviators
Assorted stationary, dictaphone, notepad and books
Assorted toiletries
Pants [undies, knickers, thongs and grannies]
And everything else goes in storage! Again! I also have the conundrum of figuring out how to pack shirts without creasing them.
Things to Buy
World travel adaptor
Locks
Portable toothbrush
Travellers cheques

Monday 25th Feb
Recover from packing
Reflect on living in the UK for 6 whole months.
Read work materials
Print travelling receipts
Goodbyes
Tuesday 26th Feb
Head to Reading in the afternoon
Hang out in Reading
Wednesday 27th Feb
Hang out in London
Thursday 28th Feb
London City airport
Fly to Zurich.
Check into hotel and twiddle thumbs.
Party
Friday 29th Feb
Recover
Party
Saturday 1st March
Panic

ARRRRRRR SHE BLOWS

Sea Legs and the Solent

I had a fun couple of days with G. He took me all the way to the solent, which is where he sails. Its the waterway inbetween the isle of wright and the mainland... and if it wasn't for the weather I would have found my sea legs again. He was planning on bringing me to Wright, which is wonderful and is something I should see before I head over to Switzerland.

If I can remember ...from Reading we went through the new forest, which is actually an old forest, saw loads of pheasant this time round.... and to Beaulieu, which is where the armada used to be built. We went to this famous little place called the Master Builder's Hotel. More little villages here and there, oh and Southampton, a medieval walled city which I insisted he drive around in and have tonnes of pictures of. In exchange I was his tech support for a day

I feel happy. Its been awhile since I could fall asleep properly and be taken care of, be shuttled around and generally be fed well. Nothing better than a guy who bothers to buy you your favorite brand of cereal.

Pictures !

Sausages.

I am watching KD Lang on the bbc iplayer right now. Its been a nice day of music browsing and packing. All my stuff fits into three luggages now, yay me. Realistically, I can leave one behind and take two to Zurich. I have been putting off signing on the dotted line till tomorrow because my head still aches and I am finally sleepy at the right time. I am taking the job though. D looked distinctly worried that I was having second thoughts. So the plan : Train in Zurich and pitch for the middle east. If things don't go well in Dubai......NO PROMISES....... they have a Singapore office. Remember how I said I'd only ever work in Singapore if I had an expats salary ? This is it.

I am now going to iron all my white shirts. I have a couple. A couple couple. Ok fine, half a dozen. I am trying to figure out how to do this. All the work clothes in one bag and casuals in another, then frivolous shoes and bags in the last.... or an equal distribution for three gwen-packs. Or maybe half and half work and pleasure and shoes and bags. Maybe I should cut it down to two. I really like this Zen thing right now, unloading and repacking and tossing away stuff that I don't need.

I was doodling today and came up with a new blog design. It would be pretty cool if I actually had a scanner now.

xx
g

Mid-Life Crisis part 2

BALLS. I am going to have a heart attack. The world is not full of doctors, lawyers and scientists. Its full of salespeople. Its full of people who actually don't do anything much but live their lives struggling along and paying a mortgage.

I should do what my friend Paul has done, said f**k it, and travel the world endlessly, drifting from one temp job to another. Its the same ball game. Whats the point of staying in a country for more than 5 years if you have to change jobs twice ? A long term job doesn't exist anymore, and even if it did, competition is too high and the cost of entering too dear. Cost of total MBA education.... in debt for a decade. Yeah. And no work experience.

How Pandora's Box got opened ? I am dating a barrister and he is incorporated, and told me the facts about law in the UK. I saw a media film guy once, same thing. Runs his own ship. Scientist ? Met one last week struggling to find funding. Banking? From the horse's mouth.

I seriously need a stress ball.

Mid-Life Crisis

Yes, I don't care that I am a decade early, I am having one. Whoop de doo da dey. I have been staying up and analysing this new job opportunity because my ego is crap and there is no way I deserve Zurich. It turns out I will be a glorified salesperson. So comes the point whether I can live with myself doing that sort of work. Sure, I can. I know it takes a certain personality to do it, not many can and those that do fit are naturals and very very good at it. At the blue chip I worked for it was a glorified sales job as well, with the dangerous sheen of being credible. None of the information produced was actually of any use you know. A lot of times, lacking in common sense.

Maybe its because I have always thought a proper job was like my dad's. Always hired, what he did was actually useful, keeping the same position and getting promoted every 3-4 years. MY DAD IS ACTUALLY A MINORITY. He is one of the few guys who can keep a job, and thats not easy. Since I am now exposed to the nasty adult world, it turns out that even a good degree with a Masters is not enough to guarantee a job. OK, I knew that, but not the extent of it. Just think about it and follow my train of thought.

SO.... you have a degree and expect a high starting salary, pension, medical and possibly a free blackberry. Now consider how many blue chip companies are out there, and the proportion of those to smaller firms. 1 out of .... 4000 maybe. I am being kind. Now consider how many places are open a year at university. In Singapore alone, its 50 000 students a year assuming it follows birth rate provided by the CIA. Now, 20% of them progressing to degrees. So 10 000 new graduates come out each year. What are the odds that you get a job in a blue chip? Also, I have worked in one. People come and go all the time, it doesn't matter where the hell you work, people come as fast as they leave. 6 new hires, maybe 7 per department a year.

Assume 10 departments, also being kind... so 70 new jobs a year per blue chip company. How many does SG have ? 60. So where the heck does everyone else go ? Why, they go to the forces, become teachers, go into arts, or sales, or become a reasonably paid clerk. All those mentioned save an average of $100 sgd a month, some even go into debt. It would take one of them 35 years to have a million, also assuming they are savvy investors. That means only at 60 will SOME people have enough for retirement if they start saving at 25.

Daytripper

I am now slightly more sober than I have been in the last 3 days. Yes, this time I stayed more than a day in London and had a blast actually acting my age.

I spoke to a german neurobiologist on the train and its fascinating to know the life of academics. Apparently for tenure you are usually interviewed by a dozen people. Its a small world. He was asking about both Singapore and Toronto and asked me about the standard of living etc because both have unis with good biotech arms, though I did point out that in Singapore, he'd have a higher chance of getting money thrown at him.

I picked up a picturebook of Toronto 2008 and realised I was trembling because.. [i don't know].. I wonder if I will have such fond memories of the UK. I don't think I do that for Singapore. Strange. SO, It is official, I am packing my bags and upping to Zurich. Birmingham is alright, its just too difficult to travel around in. Plus my personality clashes with the corporate culture here. Go figure. I have now approximately 10 days to get settled and to be honest it still hasn't hit me. The panic anyway.

More on London; I had a bouquet of flowers thrown at me from the stage at the indie Idle Lovers show, so I repeat ; 14th Feb was not a bust up. I like the idea that I was the best groupie at the gig. I spent the most of my time in London sightseeing and trying to find the perfect pair of jeans. Also visited St Pancras and cannot see what all the fuss is about. Its just a glorified mall/train station with inflated prices and frenchified store fronts. Like Le Brasserie , Le Toiletries , Panache , etc. I have taken photos though, so you can decide.

Onto still having a hangover. This is saturday and my crazy party night was on Thursday. I am definitely getting too old. I have also been thinking about Rick, since he is in my age bracket and looks good on paper. I'd date him if I was staying and wasn't just out of a relationship. There is talk about him seeing me in Zurich but we shall see.

One thing he noted ; I have a nice body. Now that is always nice to hear. This is what european and north american men say, s'pore men can go to hell, marry twiggy, see if i care. I am wondering if local women are getting the short end of the stick when it comes to clothes and men. Clothes back home just don't fit curvy women and are always too small. I ought to open a store called 'Proper Sizes' and source from here.

I just feel so much better about myself these last 2 days. My body rocks. My head hurts . My ego is recovering. My liver is bitchin.

Feb 14th, 2008

I had a great time in London, simply because........... I got the job offer.

So now I have to sign it. More info soon. And my luggages have arrived, which is really a pain in the arse because I am moving again, this time, temporarily to Zurich and then to the middle east, somewhere.

Feb 14 was actually lovely for me. I got the news after a comfort-food breakfast and was on my way to blow some megawatt cash because of all the sticky factors preceding. I had G with me , which is great and will be seeing him next week in London to teach him how to do some solid dim sum.

I have to admit I was schlogging the gin and tonic a lot before and after the news about the offer. I ended up in metro club, on tottenham court road, and had the powerful red lipstick on in force. IT WORKS. I thought it was good for the occasional flip off, but wearing red lipstick seems to scare the weirdos and attract the bankers. I got thrown a bouquet of flowers by the lead of Idle Lovers, which cd I will actually buy [record out in april] and ended up hanging out till the next afternoon with this guy called R who works in -anonymous icelandic bank-.

It was a strange meeting of sorts. My best friend was stuck at work, so gin was the poison of choice and I was alone through the whole set. I thought I'd go finish my 30 quid worth of spare change and fall asleep. Turns out 14th feb is a pretty good day to let down inhibitions. Think how depressing it is to see masses of expensive roses that you don't either need to buy or receive. You are not involved in the big scamper. Was on the tenth g&t [they cost £2 each at this indie dive joint] and somehow we started talking, one of the first things said being 'where are you from' . It kicked off and I am now exhausted because we were very very inebriated and up talking all night. We only managed to catch lunch at 3pm the next day.

Turns out R wears a suit all day but rebels by wearing jewellery under his cuffs, collects books, doesn't play video games, is a motorhead and hoards champagne.

Hmm.

On Tenterhooks

Yes, the interview is set for Wednesday. I will try my best to get out of this country right bloody fast. This is possibly one of the fastest turn-arounds for an engagement breakup ever.

For the immediate week, I am headed down to see C in london come feb 14th as well, so looking for some good times, I am. I shall now go pig out on skinny sausages. I will miss the UK, who knows, one day I might return.

The ego is back by the way. Oh how I have missed her. Back on track to make money and break some hearts. Or boil lots of bunnies.

Theology

Yes, the talk about god. This post is either really brave or very very stupid and my mom is going to chew off my ear.... but I am depressed and yet enlightened, so I shall make my statement and this is the last of it. No more evangelists!

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN RELIGION.

To be more specific, I don't believe in christianity, judiasm, [insert all institutionalised religions here]. Why ?

TODAY I SAW GOD.

And how ? I saw god in the emails of concern that friends sent me. I felt god on my mobile phone when I messaged my mom. I heard god on the handset that rang at 3am in the morning, because someone in Canada panicked and thought I was going to 'do myself in'.

Now thats god for you. This eureka moment came as I huddled in bed reciting the anglican lord's prayer . Not because I was actually repenting of anything. It just reminded me of home and a simpler time in my life where you can forget about everything since a higher power can push a big red button and everything will be fine.

I was taught that renouncing my faith and its exact tenets of not liking the name JESUS would put me immediately in hell. Swearing 'Holy Cow' is another thing that would install me in the fiery pits.

OHHHH IF YOU DONT CALL IT THE SAME AS WE DO, YOU ARE A SINNER.
What happens if I decided to call god a nickname ? Say, Eugene ? Who is to say that god doesn't like being called Euge ? Why is my mental imprint of institutionalised 'god' white when he really should be brown?

Bollocks. It is possible that this feeling of submission to the fates is called contrition by a portion of the world. Who has the right to call it that though ? Not that its wrong. In my case my writing on a blog, is described by religion as confession.

Stop getting pissed. Take for example, the theory that we all see colours uniquely. No one can prove green in a specific shade looks the same for everyone else. This is simply because of the infinite ways each one of us processes stimuli. So we all agree to call it green as a ballpark estimate, but really, it could be greener for me and less green for you. Depends on your spectrum.

What is 'god' . For me its a noun for the feeling you get when you have a random call at 3am in the morning telling you everything is going to be fine.

So it takes a Week

For me to get back into shape and come up with a new plan. I can't bear being here any longer, I hurt too much. So next week is a big interview and if I don't get the job in Zurich, I shall throw my hands up in the air and admit defeat to this European lag of the journey. I will go travelling with an europass, since the weather is turning brilliant, and will wear my trusty travelling coat, the first one I got three years ago and the very same that I intend to wear.

I have approximately £5000 , and so £2000 of that will be put aside for plan B, where I go back to Canada, grab a job. Which is rather generous considering I started out there with SG 1500. I kid you not. Without bumming at chun's for awhile, I would never have made it.

Sigh. I wouldn't do it again. We all grow more scared with age. I am a lot wiser when it comes to work permits now as well, so it won't be easy but neither will it be impossible.

Breakdown of Costs to travel Europe extensively.

6 Weeks
Hostel Accomodation : High estimate of 15 a night, 42x15 = 630
Europass 374
Food : High Estimate of 20 a day, 42x20 = 840
Daily Transport : High Estimate of 15 a day, 42 x 15 = 630
Boozing : 20 quid a week on a bottle of whisky = 120

Looks about right. £2600 approximately, if I choose to eat very well and take cabs. That is also a maximum initiary. I assume 22 days will not be enough to heal this sore soul of mine, but if it is, take 2600/2 = 1300 which leaves plenty for muck-ups and skullduggery.

The lovely thing is that I can always come back to the UK within 2 years of Sept last year. Maybe it takes practice.


Lets hope I get the job. I can't keep travelling whenever my heart gets broken.

Tweaking.

As you all can see, this blog is going through a bit of frame tweaking. Its not rocket science, but will probably take awhile. Who knows, I might change the blog itself.

I might even get myself a whole new address.

Aha.

Trompe-l'œil

My current definition ; elements above the viewer are rendered as if viewed from true vanishing point perspective. This is intentionally left to be interpreted by my intrepid readers who haven't themselves gone depressed over my postings. There you go, artistic license.

One* can say you should always look on the bright side of life. I am not in a bad situation, not somewhere in kabul, working a mine-shaft, or fishing for crabs. But hey, its all relative and life sucks for this very second. Maturity is a factitious word, along with all its associations of stability and turning the other cheek. No one is all-together 100% of the time.

So now, I shall wallow in self pity and eat a lot of very nice truffles provided by a good friend-beau-solicitor in London. Also, an explanation at my own mental gymnastics to pull an emotional trompe-l'œil. I can bloody see the end, it doesn't seem far away, but vanishing point is just another starting line to another bloody vanishing point. Ergo, this will go on forever.

The Galaxy Song

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-ough...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

Comfortably Numb

Yes, Pink Floyd is in vogue. I just painted my nails flourescent pink, got myself a rimmel lipstick shade in 192 called Maneater, and am throwing an anti valentines day party. Its not because I am ranting, noooooooooo .

To be fair, I have never had a good Valentines day with any man. Well, except Syl who made me a tape of all things, Bread's 'Other side', which is really nice. I am digging out a lot of old songs, another one recommended to me by Su, 'Don't Cry' by Guns N Roses.

This sounds like a depressing post, but it isn't I swear. People always go through stages in times of shock or stress, and I have reached my final stage of music therapy. I will let janis joplin do my moaning and think of the wonderful nicknames my best friends give my exes, a notable example; tom yam b**tard.

The ballots are open for the newest addition to the list of strike-offs.

Future Tense

Alright, so after looking though an enourmous amount of job listings and going to many many interviews this week, I have come to a conclusion, or a lump sum of what I can do in the immediate period of one month.

Return to Toronto
Job Offer : Independant Brokerage
Perks; 80k starting in brokerage , a LOT of hard work and probably a regression into the shallow but fun city lifestyle. Living back at 1 King West. Will probably sit for the ACA this time round.
Detriments; Been there, done that. Heartbreak central.

Bahrain
Job Offer : Bahrain ! Independant investment house , salary in negotiation.
Perks; Never been there before, no expectations on what is going to happen there. Maybe a good thing for the resume.
Detriments; NO IDEA of living standards, though apparently very high, possibly a bad move if finances don't fit well. Job progression might be tough, as independant firms are teeny and I might not have time to pursue the ACA.

Kathmandu
Job Offer : UN humanitarian officer, 4 month stint.
Perks ; None money-wise.
Detriments ; Will be in the same position as now but possibly more jaded and cynical, or maybe the confidence will be back.

UK
Job Offer ; Still lookin. The prospects are dim. Its a good place if you're already in the door.
Perks ; A good resume point. Pay is peanuts and standard of living depends. But, I have friends in the city.
Detriments ; Still is a lonely city.

SO thats it for me. What would you do, if you had all the freedom in the world and a decent cushion of money to do ONE thing?

Timing.....

Today was all about time for me. The trains were backed up this morning on the way to london, so I ended up 2 hours late, which is a shame because I was planning on meeting up with c&g for lunch and it totally screwed my plans.

Original Plan
1030 - Arrival , lovely slow breakfast , train to angel station
1130 - Interview with WL , train to monument
1300 - Meet with c&g

And then possibly spend the afternoon lunching with g

INSTEAD, I arrived at 1230, spent most of my time rearranging the interview and staring at dismay at the only available timeslot. Then I spend half an hour rotting in the back of a black cab to and from.

FEH.

Also, more on timing. D got admitted to A&E today because his left lung collapsed. On Friday, we decided to call the whole engagement thing off, but his chest pains started soon after. So, I know its selfish of me, but I did feel slightly betrayed and it didn't seem that serious over the weekend, so he didn't get much in the way of sympathy. Not as much as he would have in 'normal' circumstances anyway.

Monday passes with him in bed, snappy .. and today he went for a xray and was checked into the hospital this morning while I am away in London, lo and behold, to reinflate his lungs. Apparently its a painful procedure, and it doesn't help that he has been smoking for a decade.

I don't know how to feel about him and me right now. I'd like to be more mature and be truly concerned, I would have followed him to the doctors if I could, but I think my emotions are too clouded now to be of much use.

And I don't like the smell of tobacco.

Dire Straits

Bear the saxophones, bad hair, dramatic interlude and white jeans. On the strength of the lyrics though, its probably the best 'cest la vie - life goes on' song ever.

Juliet, the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet, and you exploded in my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you wanna realise it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet ?

Father and Son

And the song goes....

Its not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that its not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

Yes, and so the engagement is called off. Talk about timing. Many standard reasons for it, so go wild, too tired of the subject to explain it all, but most of them apply along the lines of 'We're too young, he's immature, I am too demanding, we both need to dominate' . Bollocks !

But anyway, I am fine as usual. I calculated this happening. Why do you think I wanted to try it out ? Every relationship is probably a gamble, and I decided to do it while I am still young and can bounce back quick. If it works, then its wonderful and I am set for life. If it doesn't, it means I need to do more travelling, or should become a rich recluse. Not much of a loss really. Now its living together until I can confirm my job in London and get out of the midlands.

Fonking Predicament

Thats a fantastic phrase courtesy of an unspecified source. But its incredibly funny in its original confidential context.

Anyway, today was slow but my trip to London was great. I spent 5 minutes in Marylebone, then I officially got bored of the city, had lunch in a nice little place near Fleet street, and went to Surrey instead. Saw one roadkill badger, Jane Austen's house, 3 deer, Waltham's Ruins [ruins in the middle of a hill] , molehills, the queens royal academy at aldershot where harry and william are, many little hamlets, and a poky antiques shop which was MY highlight. The shop itself was an antique, and it was room upon room of bits, originally a working barnhouse. My charming tourguide had his watch stop, mysteriously in the poky shop, and we ended up in a timelock of sorts because he thought we were 2 hours forward and we ended up going for lunch when it was 10AM. I cannot illustrate to its credit, the english breakfast fry-up. Brillance with a latte before, during and after.

Randomly; How to tell a real diamond from CZ. Place a diamond face down on print. If the print shows through, its fake. If it all converges to one black point at the tip/end of the said diamond, then its probably real. It could be an artificial pressurised diamond, but not even a lab could tell the difference unless it had no impurities. In that case it is a pressurized diamond. This is the most fullproof way, due to technology advancing cosmetic jewellery, also known in victorian times as paste jewellery. Ok fine. It is obvious I did buy something to warrant this discussion.

Which leads me to conclude the cheesy clinker that diamonds are a girl's best friend, and in instances where there is doubt, imperfections weed them out from the fakes.

I had a great time in Surrey. We did spend an awful lot of time looking for pheasants, but the intelligent creatures apparently stay in the bush when it pours. With tourists.

News : New job, moving to london. Also applying for non resident status in Singapore at the end of june this year. I just finished creating an excel spreadsheet for probable expenses and might post it soon just to show everyone how I have regressed into evil.

Hilarious .

http://www.trizle.com/

Good news peeps. I got me a job as a business developer for a film production company. Well its a temp thing, but its better than eating cheetos in bed.

xx
g

You can take my Blackberry, but not my soul !

The huge irony of the last few days ; a market saturated with bankers. I got let go of my job yesterday, in line with 8000 peers let go by Citigroup.

On with the show ! And anyway, I have another blackberry somewhere in my closet. For all those disillusioned bankers, accountants and financiers out there, this one is for you. We all have the classic shock-anger-self loathing-passivity-depression cycle, and mine just finished this morning. But as usual, I am baaaaaaaack.

I can understand how I should be feeling bad about all of this, but I nurture the fact that I was only there 6 weeks and in that time, I didn't suck at my job. They just couldn't fit my qualifications into their degree program. Plus a mismatch of my strengths and their expectations and there was just one way to go really. Oh and they had other people in the department looking for work and reading last weeks papers. I see it as a collection of red tape, the brutal long process of getting a work permit, the uncertain M&A activity forecast and learning on the job mishaps.

I know the naysayers will abound, but fact is, I was questioning my intentions for going into the corporate machine. Gwen, I say to myself, wouldn't you be happier in something more fast paced? I did enjoy the coffee dispenser, endless stationary and the cool city view. But the niggling doubt that I looked like a fish out of water negated it.

So who knows, I have one interview next week and an open position in a film production company. So its all good. It could be for the better or the worse, but hey, life is too short to consider yourself a failure.

Worse case scenario : I become a comedianne whose favorite rant is sticking it up to the man. I have tonnes of material.

Now I shall embark on my theory that you can be a celebrity with one cool website, narcissistic photographs, a magazine interview and one hot pair of shoes.

Review : Metro at 73 Cornwall Street

I have a habit of heading out for Monday lunches. So this first review is about Metro, a small chic cul de sac [oh aren't I posh] tucked behind colmore row, with its ahem, row of solicitors, bankers and accountants. During lunchtime, its tables are crowded with suits; lunchtime entertainment being the whole restaurant, including me, instinctively reaching for their blackberries with one random ring. I ordered the crispy duck salad, that came in a huge portion, and smelt gorgeous. Loads of sesame seeds, and the duck crackled without any excess grease, covered in a light, flavoursome coating of ginger, sesame oil and hoisin.

It satisfied me, so no coffee or dessert was needed. It actually felt like a healthy lunch in a relaxed atmostphere, surounded by people busy booking in billable entertainment hours. The fact that I was in a part of town with people who were very unlikely to rob me, is always good. Birmingham has its mingy side, but if you keep a look out, it has some gems. Nothing relaxes one more than blending in a sea of suits.

Next Review : Opus



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Pantomime !

Friday night I went to Glee Club, a comedy club in birmingham. Firstly, it was the first time I have been out to a comedy in the UK, and oh... it was in chinatown. I have finally hitched up my hoity-toity skirts and made way to the underbelly of bham city. The food was fantastically like home and I will PROBABLY start taking a cab there for lunch.

Bham city has a terrible reputation, and its not fair. London steals most of its thunder because its so close, but the scene here is almost puritanical to good ol art, sex and boheme. Loads of indie djs, producers, artists make their home here because, like I thought to myself, living here is cheaper but London isn't too far away. It is very much what I thought of toronto compared to NYC. Ah, Toronto...thinking of the cool gigs I used to go to and the variety of culture and food.

Anyway, once the night gets later I will be giving off a couple of reviews :) Right now, I just made a couple of media industry friends and joining a amateur production crew that specialises in HD short animation and green screens. We'll be filming on the weekends. Also happened to pick up a small interest in the fashion scene here because of my addiction to hawes & curtis shirts [adored by frank sinatra, fred astaire and inventors of the windsor knot] and might be picking up a sweing lesson or two.

BACK to the pantomime and purpose of this blog, D acted as the giant in jack and the beanstalk. I went to see the final night performance on saturday and we ended up at a pub club called Arizona Crossing, and no, it doesn't look like an arizona crossing at all, I would know, I lived there. I enjoyed myself, it was a good night with loads of G&T.

Groundhog days for an Accountant

I have just finished a whole week of groundhog. Its been the same old nothing and I am getting pissed off. I am not taking well to it because I am essentially an aplha personality, type, whatever. I have work done that needs checking, and I wish I could hit the ground running, but I can't and its bugging me. Its not kosher for me to have something waiting on the desk, unchecked, mistakes hidden to my eyesight but obvious to everyone else. I try to do things as best as I can, but its hard when there is no input, and I have to engineer a report specifically to go off on a tangent because I have no idea what they want. There are just so many times you can ask for help before you look needy and incompetent for the job.

Thank god d's stepsis is a psychologist in training. I am overanalysing everything because I am paranoid that I am not fitting into the company culture. Maybe I am not supposed to be hankering for more work. Maybe I should tame this unchecked ego [I bought egonomics to get rid of the bad bits]. Maybe they don't like me at all and I should just quit and run away. Maybe I am worrying about something else.

Actually yes, I am worrying about something else. But tough. Its what I do, I shut up until everything is over and laugh about it, after going through a shitload of soul-tossing. Nothing about me, just worrying after someone else.

Thats it, I am going to bed and when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be fine. Now I am worrying whether I am worying too much just about her, and not enough on my other special in vancouver.

Will send a memo. Another fine line between being a needy iritating friend and someone just muddling along, making mistakes that everyone else sees.

How do you spell car ?

Apparently it is now KA.

Yes, the ford ka. I am seriously thinking of getting one soon. The provisional license is coming in and I will be shopping for cars soon. Of course it will be a second hand, but the boon of the KA is that its predominantly females who buy em. Which means the brakes are less worn, they are less likely to have been in an accident etc.

This kind of sucks, because I always thought i'd get my dad to teach me to drive. And my family would be celebrating when I got my license. Actually, the same can be said about my first job in canada, and my 21st birthday. I think I forgot what I did for my 21st. Oh yeah, I got paid and drank absinthe. And by being so far away, when something goes wrong here or back home, there is no way I can reassure them.

A lot of things have been missing from my life, but you know, its all an exchange. Versus being in safe ol singapore, I get to see the world and probably am a lot better at doing a lot of obscure grown-up things. Had a lot of unbridled fun, washed up whenever I wanted to wash up, bought any number of silly nice things and travelled where ever I wanted to go. Being an adult is FUN. Haha.

The realisation that washing up is supposed to be done whenever you want it to be done is a superb high that you will always try to chase. Its almost as good as your first time walking into the supermarket and buying whatever you want for dinner.

Which doesn't count for much but thats my consolation. I am homesick for family, I am homesick for friends. At 22, I have no social life because NO ONE is around. Not anyone's fault, but it feels shit sometimes. The job is tough, I continually doubt whether anyone outside my family cares about me, and there is no bloody maggi mee in this country.

I also just realised I am not even going to be 22 very soon. I am turning 23 this year in MAY. I am getting too old.

23.

Twenty Three.

5 Million Pull a Sickie

About five million Brits took the day off sick today. Amazing ! Thats like the entire population of singapore calling an MC. Considering the yearly average of sickies is 22m per year for the UK, we've literally used up almost a quarter of our sickies in one day.

I have to say it was mildly depressing, it was a solid 2 weeks considering how the holidays were spaced, and hence my thai buffet lunch today. I am seriously having the food blues bad. I crave the pungence, the aroma, temptous balance and acerbic asian tastes that hails from my homeland. Probably one of the reasons why overseas singaporeans choose to keep their citizenship.

Ah and more stats, french people are at the top for checking their weight [daily] and singaporeans come last. I bulls**t you not. In singapore's defence, i told d that its because we have the best food, ever.

To me right now, my eyes are welling up with tears. Best...food....ever.

2008

Chocolate oranges have been unwrapped
Presents used and kept
Champange drunk and streamers popped
The first day is drawing to an end

So lets go on, around the bend!
Make merry and lark around
Because the new year has begun
Lots of time to be found

For frivolous things of high expense
And humble, simple and priceless
Resolution goals and new faces
Different foods and strange places


Taa daaa.... thats a cheesy new years poem for you as I watch an omnibus of Top Gear. I don't take new years seriously, but I am glad 2007 has gone. Probably one of the most stressful , heartbreaking , horrible years ever. BUT, I have satisfied my 2007 resolution [although this is all really lame] to just sort myself out. I am happy, its not pefect, but nothing is. Its an exciting life; all I can do is hope one day I am going to be an old eccentric grannie. I shall sit back, knit a tea cosy and laugh.

Since I have not yet earned the right to do nothing, plans for this year involve getting a driving license, going to dance classes, finding a resident hobby and possibly getting myself a funky Ka from Ford. I figure europe is a waste unless you can drive around it.

Most importantly, I promise myself to get good at my job and stop faffing around.

I love it, just that I have no confidence. This is strange since everytime else, people think I am something cocky. Go read russell brand ! For god sakes, its just a disguise of the timid, child-like, nature-lover and kindhearted being that I am. Just because I get whatever I want [within reason] and do whatever I want [within reason] doesn't mean I am a twat.


Now I have a cat on my lap that needs fussing.