Forgiveness ?

It could be because I am in a particulary surly mood today, but I shall state it anyway. I don't think I should be letting things get out of control anymore. Its almost an oxymoronic statement, but whenever I try to plan something it just goes to seed, turns pearshaped, f**ks up so to say. I should do what has worked before ... what I want to do when I want to do it. I need to cut myself some slack, and I shouldn't be worrying about:

1. So what if I spent the majority of the last year upset
2. So what if I am stuck wondering where the hell I should go in a week
3. So what if I am tired of all this nonsense and want to call it quits

Instead, I am going to attain a black belt nirvana by not caring about anything and seeing what turns up. I am happy if I stay in this country, I will be happy if I go home to Toronto. Natch. I wonder what san fran is like in the summertime. How about cuba ? Let us spin the globe.

I watched my mom whittle away to a shadow of herself worrying about everything. Yes, there is stuff to worry about, but ... for the first time I truly believe that it serves no purpose other than ruining a perfectly good friday night.

My dream job used to be ... jetting around the world working in whichever job that allowed me to do so. But... aren't I doing it already ? Right now I am staying with marvellous people and with their help, it'll work out here. In a week we will know if the job hits, and in a week I will be able to decide if I will be hamming it up in Toronto or partying in the west end. Epiphany ! My problem was relying on someone, when true happiness is self generated.

Oh don't bother, I am still depressed. Happy Easter. I am FINE, I am FINE.