The Hunt Continues

Right, today is the first day of finding another perm job in the city. After what happened in the UK, I think I am pretty good at sussing out the openings and will be going for a couple of agency interviews this week.

Fingers crossed.

I have just signed up for the ACCA, which means in approx 2.5 years time, I will be well qualified to be an accountant in the UK. I have taken a look at the books online, and it doesn't look easy in the least.

Now, revenue generated comes from winging it with some smaller advisors and investors, and I am on a couple of books already. Wish me luck that I don't mess up on my first month.

xx
g

Black Hole

I went to a huge bookshop today, something like Waterstones, and bought a book about how to write books.

I know I shouldn't get another bloody book, but I have always wondered how to actually write one. I am quite excited about it , and have decided not to be too ambitious with my first book.

It will be filled with gentle bit**ings. Title :

SINGAPOREAN
Conversations Overseas

Mostly, I find that I like my country when I am far away from it. The most often known facts about singapore? Chewing gum, fines, cleanliness and our anti-drug policy. Well read folks would mention SIA and the singapore sling. People who have actually visited singapore will mention all the above.

Its not bad, at least it has an identity.

But back to the book about writing a book ! Exciting !!! I am going to give it a shot. Really. Its high time I did, and to think about it, I have tonnes to write about provided my mom never reads it. I am sure I have written an equivalent of a book if I combined this blog with the older one. I have been blogging since I was 16. Its not a work of genius, but it has been said the first draft is always terrible.

I'll Be BACH.

Guess what? I am headed to Toronto. Tomorrow. Well, in the morning.

I am through waiting for men to get off their arses here in the UK and taking back control of my life. So far, I have been waiting for 2 weeks to meet an MD to get a job I half wanted. He's been faffing around and now I find he's found a candidate, probably over easter with a friend's son.

So back to my boating, back to my condo by the lake and back to some actual control over my life. I can't believe I left.

Avoir.
G

Forgiveness ?

It could be because I am in a particulary surly mood today, but I shall state it anyway. I don't think I should be letting things get out of control anymore. Its almost an oxymoronic statement, but whenever I try to plan something it just goes to seed, turns pearshaped, f**ks up so to say. I should do what has worked before ... what I want to do when I want to do it. I need to cut myself some slack, and I shouldn't be worrying about:

1. So what if I spent the majority of the last year upset
2. So what if I am stuck wondering where the hell I should go in a week
3. So what if I am tired of all this nonsense and want to call it quits

Instead, I am going to attain a black belt nirvana by not caring about anything and seeing what turns up. I am happy if I stay in this country, I will be happy if I go home to Toronto. Natch. I wonder what san fran is like in the summertime. How about cuba ? Let us spin the globe.

I watched my mom whittle away to a shadow of herself worrying about everything. Yes, there is stuff to worry about, but ... for the first time I truly believe that it serves no purpose other than ruining a perfectly good friday night.

My dream job used to be ... jetting around the world working in whichever job that allowed me to do so. But... aren't I doing it already ? Right now I am staying with marvellous people and with their help, it'll work out here. In a week we will know if the job hits, and in a week I will be able to decide if I will be hamming it up in Toronto or partying in the west end. Epiphany ! My problem was relying on someone, when true happiness is self generated.

Oh don't bother, I am still depressed. Happy Easter. I am FINE, I am FINE.

I hate dreaming

As in lucid dreams. Last night I dreamt about being in singapore again, and it wasn't pleasant. This dream had no food in it. I was quite alone and just doing the same old, riding the nightrider 1 and feeling that alone-feeling*. In such a tiny country, packed with so many people, when you're out of place I think you get that emptiness more acutely. Yes, I hate dreaming. Sleep should be sleep and thats all it should be. Its like asking death to entertain.

I am right now in limbo again, deciding whether to stay or go home to Toronto. There is nothing in the UK now; the job market sucks , I am emotionally unstable, I am suffering from a dull pain in my chest and I have no fixed abode. I am sick of not being in control, and in one week, if I don't hear back about a new job, I am leaving. Nothing less. I have to draw a line somewhere. Its all a numbers game. Time, money, distance, opportunity cost, profit and loss.

Next plan of action confirmed : Departure to Toronto before 1st April IF nothing happens.

Now I have given it enough loopholes to just turn out right if it does, but it is a solid enough idea to follow if it doesn't.

Again, why I don't want to come home just yet : I don't like to date asian guys. I am sorry, but I just don't. I will find my blue eyed boy if it kills me. Somewhere out there, possibly in the Cayman Islands or somewhere else almost impossible to imagine.

Absolute tossers.

Right, so I turned down a job in hk\tokyo because it didn't pay enough, plus I had to find my own accom and flight tickets. Also, I am not keen on going back to Asia no matter how many people tell me its all sunshine.

Thats it though. Right now I am waiting on a financial controller position to come in, but the MD is pratting around and I am left waiting for another week for the results. All this does is piss me off. I want to go back to Toronto, on my own schedule, making my own money, being back in control of my life. The market situation in the UK currently sucks, and its no ones fault. I realise I am being a brat, but ... would you turn away the opportunity to live along your terms ?

I don't understand how its so hard for me to find an office job. I am willing to do anything at this point. I have specialist skills, excellent language facils, excellent computer skills. Imagine the feeling of aceing an interview and then being told you're too good for the position. WTF ! Or another good one : Oh you're great. Great fit, good communication, fantastic proven track record. You're too young though.

I wish there was a way to sue for someone not hiring. I need a big scotch right now.

In a pickle

Pickle is the name of the pet bird belonging to my friends I am staying with, and is the affectionate name for someone/thing that is wholly disoriented and confused. Right now I am staying with some fantastic people who are giving me a leg up on job hunting and properties, so things ought to settle here in a couple of days or by the end of the week.

Tonight, its me biding time till the morning and I shall be hearing about jobs. I shall give it a few days more, and if things don't look up, I am heading back to toronto to make a shitload of money and then flying back to SG in possibly 4 months time, just as the weather gets nasty again in ruddy ol canada.

This is another one of those tough nights where I don't know what to do with myself. Tomorrow I will be fine, and I shall be looking hot in my suit and regulation white shirt. I really must take a picture one of these days.

Who knows. I don't even know why I am staying in this country, or any country for that matter. I feel so deflated, kind of floating around without an aim. People are telling me I should go back to TO where I have guaranteed earnings, but its a been there done that thing. Of course I miss my boating, my condo, the eating out and clubbing. But I gave it all up for something more, and now going back is not enough to make me feel better.

Its a funny thing, but at the time, I thought I would be fine returning to the same old. But now my demands have impossibly shifted to something a step higher, and everyone knows I don't step back, do I ? Eventually, I will have to save the world, or spend my life trying.

The Girl Who Won't Go Home

And thats what my ex called me today.

I went back to stourbridge today to collect the rest of my stuff. Inevitably, I had to leave one small bag behind full of canadian wires and bits, but the rest of my entourage is now with me.

I am quite beat up about it. I am feeling so sad, in general. Of course I am fine, but I would not be human if I didn't hurt at all. I'd like to write D a letter, but I don't know what to say. Its just random thoughts, some good but most of them are bad. Probably best to leave it be and forget. It could be because I am not noble enough to view it in a positive light. I do admit, its not anybody's fault, and I set myself up for it to begin with. I knew it wasn't the right time, I knew it was too passionate to last, I knew we were polar opposites in philosophical mindset.

I am looking at this in wonder. There was so much loneliness, pain, anger, rejection, chaos and hate in it. I thought I would be able to deal with it, just like any past relationship, but somehow this really has left me very battered. I'd self harm if I actually had the guts to do it. Look, we are all adults, and I am honest here; I'd rather hurt physically than cry so much inside.

This calls for a song for the broken hearted, freshly wounded. Lets just pour salt into the bleeding, hemorrhaging vortex previously occupied by my heart, shall we? Hendrix : Angel

Broken Nailclipper

I just went for a couple of interviews, and though they were promising, its always a maybe answer. I hate waiting, and sometimes I just wish they would say a YES or NO. Honestly, it does me no good when they say I am a strong candidate, but I know thats really how it goes. Thanks for the compliment, but unless I can take out a pen and sign on the dotted line, its as useful to me as a broken nailclipper.

Ugh. SO now I could become a trainee financial controller for a small french firm, or work in a large car manufacturer on a new project thats supposed to be undertaken in the EU. ALL very promising, but I can't wait much longer. I don't have the heart for it.

I was also in the train yesterday moping about D. I can't say its all come to nought, but some part of me wonders what I would be doing now if I stayed in Toronto. Bad weather so far, but I will give this UK thing two weeks to pick up. If it doesn't, there is nothing to stop me going back home to my good ol condo by the water and my boat.

Milkround

Well its a milkround for jobs actually. More interviews, more offers and hopefully something good turns up.

Its really hammering it down with rain and high winds at the moment, if you see world news its a cold front moving into the south of the UK. Cheers to global warming or whichever shiznit is the reason for it.

Right now the friends I am staying with are really helping me to research a nice stellar job , but I have to say its a bit depressing because I am starting all over again from where I left off with David and Birmingham. Meh.

A good thing, an important thing to note: Everyone goes through this roundabout. I did wonder whether someone hates me out there and takes pains to torture my poor soul, but the best and greatest say the same; its how you get up.

New song for the day ..... Nickelback ! Its a controversial song, but exchange the lyrics for becoming a yuppie 40-something with a nice house, and you get my drift.

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses, driving fifteen cars
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
Today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
Drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

A spot of brilliance

I am ready to kick some ass again. Right, now I have had an intense certified course with the world's largest xx advisors. Shame for it to go to waste.

So, yes, yes, pictures soon once I get my laptop.

You know whats the funny thing? I just got offered a job from Singapore and that kind of spurred me back to believe that I can do anything. Maybe its growing pains, who knows. But for a 22 year old, having experience in ib consulting, trading, corporate finance and now offshore funds... I am unstoppable. Say what one wants, I know the only thing not going for me is my age.

Goodnight, intrepid readers.

What now my love....

So I am back in London staying with friends. I have had a good sleep, some yogurt and fruit and have evaluated my choices. Let me tell you, it ain't easy.

One good thing I brought back from Switzerland is this: I now LOVE drinking water. The tap water in zurich is superb, it tastes fantastic and is possibly the best I have ever tasted. I'd pay 50 pounds just to go back to drink it. I wouldn't pay for anything else though. Zurch is bloody expensive and I rather be paid in pounds and work in Asia, than deal with all the costs of living in Europe.

So, the option now is HK or Tokyo. Or I could go back into the ol biz in toronto.OR I could be still working here in good ol england. I know, I know, everyone misses me and I really should be thinking of heading home. But, it is true. Once an expat, always an expat. I just can't give up the excitement of being somewhere strange and new, and being the only flamingo at a swan party.

The funny thing about Zurich was also what my parents have been telling me for the last year as well : Singapore is THE place to be. High standard of living etc and every single person in the course actually wanted to be in the Singapore office [which incidentally just got closed by the firm because of regulations].

Maybe this is irrelevant, but I fall in love too easily. The first month here in the UK, I missed toronto badly. When I went to Zurich I missed London.

I know for certain wherever I go, I will miss something or someone. You always have to leave something behind.

Now What.

So, I didn´t make it. Always, always, too young. I have everything going for me except my age. Now, this is really taking the piss.

I am thinking I should just go back to toronto, make some cash, and come right back home. Its been too long since I have been home and well, lets say my ETA for Singapore might be in 5 months time. Somehow, a lot of people on the course here seem to want to go to Singapore, just because the "standard of living" is so high. Obviously it is, but I also know better and I just fit better overseas. Say what you want, but I have never really felt a part of the country. MAYBE I will get a job back home right away, but I do know that for once I won´t have to be looking over my back all the time.

I don´t want to seem down and out, but I think its tough how I have seen all of this, and then ended up not liking the job and the rates of return here. I am now going to go back to London, take a few days break, and then fly back toronto in the next week or so. I will go back to my earnings of xxk a month in TO, work for 4 months, and return a comfortable girl.

Who knows, intrepid readers, how Gwen will turn out.

Hallo Hotel

I've just checked into the hotel that the firm had booked for me, and its lovely. Its right next to the quay, and I will probaly be looking into joining a boating club here because I miss revving up and makin some waves :)

New pics soon, I promise. Zurich is great and the people are nutters, of course in a good way. They smoke everywhere, to the extent where my clothes stink after a night out, which I had forgot about after I moved to Toronto. They even have assigned smoking cubicles in public restrooms. To be fair I prefer the smoking ban.

More bits and bobs, the city is beautiful on the lakefront, but London still wins for architecture. I have already been to the Schweizeriches Landesmuseum and the Johann Jacobs Museum/kaffe museum , but I miss the bustle and .....cosmopolitan grubbiness of ol london town. I've already settled down, and once the weather turns, I will be out on the water.

Primarily, now its finding a nice apartment and hunkering down to learn deutsche. For the last two days I have been talking to loads of people in the hostel where I stayed, and so far I've met americans from Arizona, a Chilean and a South African.

To use the Canadianism; its all good.

xx
g